March 19, 2024

I debated whether or not to share a reflection today. But I decided to share anyway perhaps it might help another person feel less alone in the case they were having similar feelings. Today was hard even though in the grand scheme of things it may not be considered as such giving the catastrophe we’ve become witness to around us. Nonetheless today was one of those days I was in search of clarity. For what specifically? I couldn’t place a finger on it.

I wonder if this is the case for anyone else but for me there are certain days when I wake up with a looming sadness. And today was one of such days. My heart felt heavy and my chest, a bit constricted. I didn’t allow myself to focus much on the feeling. I ate suhur and prayed tahajjud, sat down to do some dhikr while waiting for fajr. Alhamdulillah dhikr did diffuse some of the somber feeling.

The sun rose and I got ready to go to work. On my way I decided to listen to a lecture with the hopes that it would do away with some of the sadness and heaviness that was looming over me. But even at work I couldn’t shake off the sadness. Because of Ramadan, the timing for my Tajwid class had changed and was now exactly at the same time as a weekly work meeting that I have. The thought of missing the class also added a bit to the sadness that I was already feeling. But even before then, I already knew I wasn’t going to be able to join my khatam group today, let alone recite because of another conflicting meeting, so there was the sadness from that as well. However, Alhamdulillah my morning meeting got cancelled a few minutes before it was to start, so I was able to join my Tajwid class. I shared my reflection from yesterday with the class when my teacher had asked if anyone had a reflection from anything they had read.

Then Anse Samia proceeded to share the ayats for the class. And SubhanAllah, there were no ayats that I needed more today than the ones she began with. She shared her screen and there, was Surah Taha. And as she went through each ayah from the beginning, I got so emotional from listening to her read ayats 1-8 but I had to hold myself together from breaking down completely. Allah says addressing the messenger ﷺ and by extension you and I, that He did not send the Qur’an to cause me distress but as a reminder to those in awe of Him. Then Allah reminds me of His attribute of being Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful, Most Compassionate) to Whom belongs the heavens and earth and everything in between. The ayah that struck me the most was ayats 7 and 8 where He says:

“Whether you speak openly ˹or not˺, He certainly knows what is secret and what is even more hidden.”

“Allah—there is no god ˹worthy of worship˺ except Him. He has the Most Beautiful Names.” [Qur’an 20:7-8]

Like I mentioned earlier, I had no words to explain why I was feeling so sad. I needed clarity but about what exactly I couldn’t name it. And Here is Allah saying to me whether I spoke openly or not, He knew what was secret and hidden from me. And then reminds me that there’s none worthy of worship but Him. And the final reminder was that He ﷻ has the Most Beautiful Names. In essence, He is saying to me, that He knows what I don’t know about what I am feeling. What I need to do is continue with my Ibadah (worship) and remember to call upon Him with His Beautiful Names. Ya Allah Ya Rabb Your Mercy is ever abundant and You continue to extend it to me. I am eternally grateful.

Although I had something else happen at the end of the day that broke my heart and finally brought me to tears, it was as if all along Allah was preparing me for it. Allah knew what was going to happen later today and He prepared me for it with these ayats. Because immediately after it happened, I remembered and went back to recite these ayats again albeit with tears in my eyes, my heart was comforted.

With this, I am taking my sadness today to my prayer mat and as Allah instructed me to do, I will be calling upon Him with His Beautiful Name. I pray may Allah allow the Qur’an to be a comfort and reassurance for my heart. And may Allah allow me to be amongst those who remember to always call upon Him with His Beautiful Names. Allahumma Amin.

With Love, Ibtisam

P.S: Allah in His infinite Mercy allowed me to be able to catch the last bit of my khatam group and to benefit from some of the reflections shared. Alhamdulillah!