I came across this title when I was looking into books and works by Zora Neale Hurston. I was suddenly overwhelmed by it. But even more heartbreaking was that I was saddened by it, because I realized that it had been a long time since I laughed.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I haven’t laughed at all or that there haven’t been moments of laughter in my life. There has. But I mean real laughter. The kind of unapologetic guttural laugh, that emanates a sound of serenity, devoid of the worries and anxieties of this world. The kind of laughter that leaves you light and free.

I continued to read & then I came across this line in the excerpt titled: “The Inside Search” and it reads:

“A cosmic loneliness was my shadow. Nothing and nobody around me really touched me. It is one of the blessings of this world that few people see visions and dream dreams.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I gasped because in those lines I had finally found the words to describe how I had been feeling the last few years. “Cosmic loneliness” and not being touched by anything or anyone. I have found myself constantly thinking of the existential question of the universe and my place in it. An ever widening emptiness that has found it’s home in me.

Alhamdulilah, as I always do, I find solace in my faith, in filling that emptiness with the strive towards closeness to Ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful. I truly do believe it’s His way of calling me to Him. But some days are harder than others.

My sister said to me this morning: “Just like we have exams in school, you study, take the exam and you’re good. I wish there was a protocol for life.”  The latter part was the scientist in her speaking. Both of us being research scientists, we are all too familiar with protocols & SOPs. Naturally, we look at life through the same lens. Give me a protocol to follow to carry out this experiment, but unfortunately or maybe fortunately life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense anymore. One thing is constant, my mind is always racing, always asking questions I seldom have answers to. But my prayer is that I am able to find my laughter again, the kind of unapologetic guttural laugh that emanates a sound of serenity. The kind that leaves me feeling light and free and I pray I love myself again when I’m laughing.

With love,
Ibtisam